Thursday, June 17, 2010


Here are three random thoughts about soccer: 1) I am one of the world's worst soccer players, and I have the story to prove it. 2) One of my nephews just earned a collegiate soccer scholarship (way-to-go Kyle!). 3) Although I admire the incredible athleticism of the sport, I just don't "get it" enough to actually watch soccer on TV, or on a boat with a goat, or in a box with a fox, etc.

And from the banter of the late-night comedians, it would appear that this American is not alone. Viz:

"It’s a great day for the world, as the World Cup begins. On behalf of all Americans, I’d like to say, 'Eh.'"

"There are a lot of differences between basketball and soccer. For instance, in basketball, something happens."

"The best way to watch soccer matches is to TiVo them and watch them at double speed. That way you can see them not scoring goals much faster."

"In the U.S., soccer’s popularity ranges somewhere between Jon Gosselin and people that give out raisins on Halloween."

"The reason Americans don’t get into soccer is because the scores are too low. They should make each goal worth two points, and then maybe let the players use their hands, and then maybe add some hoops and a basketball. Americans would watch that."

Top Ten Reasons Americans Don't Like Soccer
10. Too many foreigners
9. Loud horns make it hard to nap through boring parts
8. Bench-clearing brawls not as much fun without bats or sticks
7. No theme song asking if we are ready for some soccer
6. Not enough 'roids
5. Lots of players with umlauts in their names
4. Americans too busy reading
3. Doesn't have the heart-pounding action of a 5-hour baseball game
2. No TV timeouts means fewer snack breaks to stuff our fat faces
1. Too much kicking, not enough rasslin'

P.S. For all you soccer fans that are right now struggling with "hooligan" thoughts about me, and indulging a fantasy that involves me, a blindfold and a penalty kick, I can only say with Seinfeld's uber-pathetic George Costanza, "It's not you, it's me."

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